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Archive for the ‘anxiety’ Category

It comes sometimes, inspiration, in fits and spurts, short starts and abrupt ends. Other times it flows like a raging river and must be dammed or run out of control. My muse is bipolar; and just like that the faucet is turned and the flow of words stop.
Let me catch these last few drops
before they swirl away uncaught
to join the main stream
which is thought.

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It’s three o’clock and all is not well.

The half imagined sounds of ghosts and ghouls send images of nightmare skittering across your mind. An empty house in moonlight is an unsettling place, it is better slept through than be awake in, but sleep is elusive when your brain convinces you of impending horrors.

Images, stills, grainy half-remembered scenes from scary movies prey upon an overactive imagination. As a child you could throw a blanket over your head and it would all go away, or at least it couldn’t touch you. Whatever “it” was.
As an adult the word IT brings to mind Steven King and that brings up a whole host of unsavory thoughts and images.
As an adult you just lie there and calmly tell yourself that it’s all in your head, that everything is fine and nothings going to get you.
As an adult you can’t hide under the blankets and you know no matter how much you whisper sweet nothings to yourself “it” is not going away. “It” is going to prey on you, eat you up and steal your rest, your sleep, your peace, your sanity. Your just a tasty morsel on a feathery quilt-top plate. Prey for the irrational fears of three o’clock in the morning.

Sweet dreams; sleep tight don’t let those bugs bite and pray that you can get to sleep before “it” comes for you.

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As he sleeps he whimpers.
Small, startled mews.
One wonders,
What is the dream?
Is it a dream?

Or is it much more simple?
Is it the small insecurities that plague him
Day after day
And, when he rests,
Night after night?

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It catches me off guard, this sudden wave of violent rage. I hold my self as still as possible, as quietly as  I can. My whole body tight, held straight-jacket close. I wait for it to subside.

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A thousand points of light blinking on and off in my mind tonight.

Drying chalk in a circle. Collected ravings in my mind.

My pen records these meaninglessness’s (whatever that means).

Words and phrases jump and twitter in my sleep confused, rest deprived brain; half-remembered thoughts, snatches of paragraphs, bits of whimsy. The flotsam of a never quite mind.

Rest! Rest! I burn with the need of it, the lack of it.

A million points of light off and on in my mind tonight. The static of space, the language of stars hisses across my brain keeping me from sleep. The questions and half-formed statements of the future taunt and dance and laugh and SILENCE! Its no use. What a small kindness sleep is.

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Parting is such sweet sorrow, so they say. The only sweetness is the taste of your lips lingering on mine. The remembered touch of your finger tips. The scent of our sex. I hate parting, I hate this loneliness that wasn’t there before. “See ya” you said, I was quiet.

Don’t look back; don’t see me sitting, staring at nothing, don’t feel sorry for me. I’ll miss you and you miss me too and sooner or later I’ll be free if I’m free and and and and… Another beer please.
I want to steel myself to lose this. I want to harden myself, to become the asshole, to not care. If I lose this, when I loose this, it will fuck me up.

She’s so deep in my gut we breathe together.

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Complex Emotion Swirling and Gliding

Giddy.

It’s Slippery and Rushing

It Pulls From my Grasp
From my Dictionary Entry.

It Pulls me with It
Carries me
and Drowns me

I am being given a swirly be a force that laughs as long and as loud as it cries.
This is me inside of me; the raw rendering of me that is
drowning me in it’s joyously gibbering madness!

I Feel Spring-Tight
Wound to SproingIng

Out of Place

Out of Time.

I Feel Full
Too-Full
Choke-Full

Too Full to Spill
Out or Over

But Instead Burst!

Erupt Tears
and Grins

Hollering and angry beatings lay locked behind stony face. My face, which I barely control.
It threatens to SLIP!

Into Slobbering
Dog Grins,
Sleepy Lecherous Nods.

Behind My Breast Lays the Roiling,
Broiling Madness
of Unchecked
and Unknown
Emotion

Today It wakes Itself
And my eyes go skipping
To and Fro

Skip to my shine!
To My LOO-HOO-Hooooo
Skip to My…

And my Words will not come
I am running out of Them
They are running out of me.
(inkspillsfromafaultyfountainpen)

Slipping

It’s all Slipping….

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