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Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

When she told me I didn’t react. I stood there thinking to myself “Is the part where I laugh? Or where I cry?” I didn’t do either, instead I sat down next to her and said, “ok,” and let the world wash over me.

Time seemed to both stop and rush forward, my breathing became shallow, I stood up and wandered around the hotel room… Why does life altering news have come to me in a hotel room?
She left to take a walk and I, I went to the bathroom to puke, ended up hyperventilating and falling into the bathtub; all-in-all a better choice. That done I went back to the bed and sat there. “I’m going to be a dad.” The thought rolled ’round and ’round my head forever. “I’m going to be a dad.” with each repeat of that thought new emotions and ideas crept up. “I’m going to be a dad. I am not ready for this. Me? A dad? Oh man, the world is not ready for this. How could this happen to me?! Well I know how it happened… I’m going to be a dad! This is so cool. I can’t wait to teach the kid all about old cars and baseball and… wait, what if it’s a girl? I’ll still teach her about old cars and baseball and fishing and… What am I going to do?! I’ve never done this before! How do I do this? What do I do now?”

She came back into the room and we looked at each other. “We’re going to be parents.”

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It ended
Not in flames or fury
In silent agony.

What was to have been
Was
And then ended.

You thought too much
And said less.

You thought you said
You never said.

And so because
What was was
And then ended

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Parting is such sweet sorrow, so they say. The only sweetness is the taste of your lips lingering on mine. The remembered touch of your finger tips. The scent of our sex. I hate parting, I hate this loneliness that wasn’t there before. “See ya” you said, I was quiet.

Don’t look back; don’t see me sitting, staring at nothing, don’t feel sorry for me. I’ll miss you and you miss me too and sooner or later I’ll be free if I’m free and and and and… Another beer please.
I want to steel myself to lose this. I want to harden myself, to become the asshole, to not care. If I lose this, when I loose this, it will fuck me up.

She’s so deep in my gut we breathe together.

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Tumbling and Rumbling
Drinking and Laughing
Skin against Skin
Squeals of Delight
Laughter and
Soft secretive Kisses.

We surprise each other.

But time slips away
and steals me from you.
My situation cannot be avoided;
it’s last call and I must be aboard.

I’m surprised by you,
that the memory of you should be
so compelling.

Soon cold Reality will reclaim me.
But for now I insulate myself
with Memory.

of Laughter and Soft Lips
of Tumbling Dark Hair
of the Taste of Your Kiss
of your Smile
of a few Hours of our Time
Which continue to Haunt me.

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Fever-bright these eyes of mine

Missed step
Missed lie
No connection, at least I tried.

Crooked smile
Watching her leave
Turn to see me looking back at me.

Splotchy red and fever bright
Another drink
No thought tonight.

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I don’t believe in true love. I have loved too many, too strongly to believe in such storybook perfection. Love is pain, as I have come to discover; it is letting go and forgiving, never about forgetting. You never forget. It’s a burning ember in the middle of my chest that can flame to life at the slightest provocation; a movie, a song, a sunset can set it off, bring that twinge to my heart. The choking drowning feeling, the pain of passion burning me up. It’s tears and laughter, joy pain and sorrow all rolled together. Everyone wants it, everyone deserves it at least once; the masochistic fucks.
Sometimes I feel so strongly I can do nothing. I am floored by the simplest of things; sometimes nothing at all. Then I can do nothing but agonize in half-memory and boiling roiling-emotion, buried regret and agonized longing.
It comes from deep wells, buried memories, buried faces and names, places and times that live only in past imaginings. Sometimes I have to laugh or cry out loud. It bubbles out, rushes out from those deep places and demands release. Violence overcomes me, cripples me; the triggered memory, the forgotten place-time rides me, thrashes me and I cry out in the pain of remembering.
The pain of remembering, remembering of ones I’ve loved, of love; the remembering of love.

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I saw you again yesterday. Your head turned just so,
Your eyes with their usual sparkle-shine.

I passed on. I raised no hand in greeting.
I did not look back.

This is typical of my sort, my set;
Never look back. Never think of possible regret.

I imagine I’ll see you again soon however, in the field of my mind.
My madly waking mind.

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